Dilemma
by Shapeshifting Author
Summary: Josh muses over his relationship with Beth


Hey, everyone. Of course, I don't own Moonlight, but I wanted to write for this amazing show, so here you go. Even though I find him dull, I do feel for Josh, being on the losing thing of the entertaining love triangle and all. Comments would be much appreciated.

**Dilemma **

Josh really knew he should grow a pair and either end it, or confront her. Oh, he'd hadn't exactly played it close to the vest about his feelings where Mick St. John, Wonder P.I., was concerned, that he wasn't crazy about all the hours Beth spent with him, not that it did him any good. Beth was good at spinning a situation, and he was scared to push it. Scared what would go up in smoke if he did.

Josh's instincts, the instincts that made him a star in the D.A.'s office, told him they weren't sleeping together, that their bond was strictly emotional, for now. Josh wanted to believe that Beth was above that, that she wouldn't betray him to that degree. He wanted to believe that Mick St. John, that smooth son of a bitch, was the one who couldn't be trusted. He hated that he had his doubts.

Was it only two months ago that Mick just popped into their lives, out of the blue? At first, he had been willing to hand the guy the keys to the city; the man saved Beth from a Grade A nut serial killer who was looking to add her to his list of victims. He hadn't minded the friendship that sprang up between them since both he and Beth had always had friends of the opposite sex; it was nothing to get uptight about.

Sure, he wasn't thrilled when she started whispering Mick's name in her sleep, but it wasn't like they were sex dreams, just nightmares. An idiot would deduce it was a culmination of her recent trauma, the stress of her demanding job, and of her infamous kidnapping episode 22 years prior, and her new P.I. buddy got dragged in the mix. Sure, he wasn't thrilled when Beth put both of their asses on the line to help Mick out when the guy had been accused of attempted murder, but he figured she was just felt indebted towards him, and this would call it even. As it turned out, Josh had to admit, Mick had been innocent, and Beth's instincts had been on the money.

One little catch: Josh had always hated guys like Mick St. John, the cool, confident ones that everything worked out for, the ones that had all the answers. Childhood, adolescence, and the teenage years had been hell for Josh Lindsay. He'd been the brainy geek, the late bloomer, the target for the resident jocks, practically a walking stereotype, proof that all generalizations had some core of truth. He hadn't gotten laid until he was 19 years old, until the college days where he finally started to come into his own. And even then, insecurities that women thought that they had the corner market on plagued him, where guys like Mick John just strolled through life, laughing at poor suckers like him.

Josh had mastered the art of faking it, wearing his façade so well, sometimes he almost believed it. But all those hours in the gym, all those slam dunks in court, tens of thousands of dollars in therapy, all the beautiful girlfriends in the world couldn't erase that he still felt like that nerd in high school, that he still expected to wake up, and be back 26 years. Mick St. John intensified that feeling a trillion times over.

Still, Josh was a man who believed in living by logic and fairness. Beth valued her friendship with the man, and Josh wasn't going to throw a tantrum because he had confidence issues that his shrink was still helping him sort out. In his heart of hearts, he'd always been so stunned that a woman like Beth Turner could let her into her life and bedroom, he'd always been willing to give her what she wanted, let more slide than he should have. So, reservations about her new pal or not, it hadn't even occurred to him to object.

That mysterious window of time in the desert had changed everything. He'd seen the wild grief in Beth's eyes, felt the slice of her wrath turned on him when she thought Mick was dead. The emotion was too raw, too strong for Josh to understand. For Christ's sake, she hadn't known the P.I. for more than five minutes, and she was ready to fall apart? It was tragic, yes, but come on.

When she came back from Victorville, she was changed, distant. There was a part of her closed off, and he hadn't seen it since. Certainly, there had always been things Beth wasn't interested in discussing, but this went beyond the ordinary.

On the surface, things were fine. They saw each other frequently, talked on the phone daily and two or three times a week they spent the night together, and more often that not, those evenings ended up in bed, Beth's sensuality almost enough to burn away Josh's demons and fears. But that was on the surface. It had all had a hallow ring, just below the surface.

He remembered the first couple of months of their relationship. He'd been on cloud nine, and in those days, Beth was right there with him. They'd been barely able to keep their hands off each other, their bodies constantly tangled together, Beth's hands and mouth lethal, and he'd been awed at how responsive she was, how generous. But there was so much more. They could spend forever just talking, watching old movies, dancing the night away, or cooking together, filling the room with banter and laughter. It was all an ecstatic blur.

As some point, things settled in, and real life resumed. Nothing can recapture that early bloom of new love, Josh was realistic, and still felt like the luckiest guy in a planet. He'd never thought in a million years he'd feel so happy, to have the woman of his dreams in his arms. He didn't let it bother him that work was Beth's number 1 priority, or that she'd never said 'I love you.' They were just words after all, and she showed her affection in a million ways. He had no room to complain.

Now, he felt like complaining. Hell, he felt like whining like a five-year old. He was getting her in pieces, and it wasn't enough. Yeah, he should either grow a pair, cut his losses of have it out with her.

Alone in his office, Josh picked up the phone, hitting Beth's number, the soft ringing filling his ears.

"Hey, babe. What's up?" Beth greeted him. Though warm, her voice lacked something vital when she talked to him these days, like she could take or leave his calls or company.

_I got some things we need to iron out, _he almost said. Instead, he heard himself tell her: "Not much, just wanted to hear your voice."

A soft, dismissive laugh came through. "Geez, we had lunch today. You'd think it'd been weeks."

"What, I can't call my hot girlfriend?" He tried to tease, but it seemed flat to him. Funny, that's how things felt in general.

"Well, now that you put it that way." He heard Maureen, her editor in the background. He'd never really liked the woman; she always came off as pushy and cutthroat to him. "I can't talk long, Maureen's been breathing down my neck to blow this story wide open." She was referring to her latest assignment. Janice Miller, a Paris Hilton knock-off just got arrested for attempted murder on her lesbian girlfriend. Never mind the bimbo was married to sixty-year-old Billionaire, Donald Lodge; that just made it juicer. BuzzWire was all over it.

"Can I come over later?" He understood the pressures she was under, new job and all. His first year at D.A.'s office had been a roller coaster, and sometimes still was. But dammit, he needed her.

"I don't see my wrapping this up until 2:00, and you got court tomorrow," she reminded him. True. He should be busting his ass over that, not brooding over what may or not may not be just up in his head.

"What about tomorrow night?"

"Um, I got, pla-work," she hastily amended. She sounded vague suddenly, and she didn't have to say another word. She had something planned with Mick. "Rain check, okay?"

"That's fine," he answered automatically. _Face it Lindsay, you're whipped,_ he thought bitingly.

"Great. Gotta go, Josh. Night."

"Don't work too hard. Love you."

"Bye." Then she was gone, and he was left holding the phone, lonely and frustrated. He hated himself, but what he hated more was worse was thinking about life without her. Everything lacked color and flavor when she wasn't with him, and the future was bleak, just empty, and worthless without Beth.

Mick St. John was just a distraction, he told himself. He was something new, and yeah, he had smooth moves, and too much charm for Josh's damn good, but Beth loved _him_. Sure, she didn't say as much, but a woman like Beth didn't need to settle. She could have had her pick of the litter; she was with him because that's where she wanted to be. If she wanted Wonder Boy, she'd be honest, and make a clean break.

"I'm just being paranoid," he muttered. Now, if he could just believe it, he'd be good to go.


End file.
